Snortacus

Snortacus

In a land far away, two thousand years back

There lived a pig, Snortacus, who was starting to crack

He and his friends were captured, you see

By some genuine baddies – and they yearned to be free

There was Baconus the Brave, and Hoovius, too

Both loyal members of the Snortacus crew

Oinktavius was meek, Saddle Bacchus loved to play

Porkius was lazy (he slept every day)

Their sty was a prison and smelt very bad

With no chance of escape, it made Snorticus sad

Their captor was Batticus, a nefarious bat

His minder was Septipuss, an extremely rude cat

As the years passed by, our pig friends debated

Escape plans and plots that they had created

The guards, of course, didn’t give them a break

Like old Quacksimus the Duck or Hissamus the Snake

They plotted a scheme to get hold of some food

Batticus sensed they were up to no good

Snortacus was cautious as he snuck through the house

Despite his large frame, he was quiet as a mouse

He picked up some bread and a jarful of honey

Then stretched for the pickles, but the shelf caught his tummy

There was a moment of hope, but then EVERYTHING fell

Crashing and clattering – there was no time to dwell

Snortacus ran – but Batticus flew harder

Into the hall then back through the larder

He thought he was clear but Quacksimus lay in wait

With his old bill he lunged – just a sliver too late

Snortacus escaped through the upstairs loo

As he slid down the drain, Septipuss came into view

He bounced off the cobbles, then vaulted the cat

Then ran to the wall, and that would’ve been that

Except Batticus was hiding in an old cuckoo’s nest

He may have been small, but with brains he was blessed

Snortacus climbed up with a desperate snort

Batticus pounced – was he finally caught?

No!

For waiting with patience and looking mischievous

Were Baconus the Brave, alongside Oinktavius

“Throw us the bag!” they cried as one drove

So Snorticus threw it – then over he dove

“I’ll get you, you swine!” a furious Batticus cried

“Smell you later, you vermin!” Saddle Bacchus replied

They bounded away, laughing with glee

And back at the pen shared the spoils for their tea

The very next day, Batticus gathered his crew

“The thief was a pig – I want to know who!”

They tied all the town’s hogs to the town’s biggest tree

Septipuss purred “Looks like bacon for tea!”

Batticus shouted “There’s only one that I need…

…Give me Snortacus NOW - and the rest can go free”.

There was a brief pause, before our hero oinked loudly

“I’m Snortacus!” he proclaimed - and said the words proudly

But before Hissamus could slither even an inch

Hoovius proclaimed “I’m the pig you should pinch”

“I’m your pig” boomed Baconus – “…come get me, you dogs”

Porkius yawned “it’s me, if you want the right hog”  

And then from the back came the quietest sound

Barely an oink, but the three words were profound

“I Am Snortacus” squeeled Oinktavius the Meek

“…and I’m also the pig you so desperately seek”

“You can’t ALL be Snortacus?!” Batticus moped

“But we are!” said the pigs as they untied the ropes

They leapt upwards as one, through the boughs of the tree

Pigs really can fly when there’s a chance to be free.

Snortacus was written by Harry Lang