The A to Z of LinkedIn Users

Harry Lang / Brand Architects

Name	Characteristics
The Apparition	Floats around in the background, occasionally dropping a ‘Like’ on their company posts, with only their work anniversary posts to let you know they exist
The Batman	Only appears at night to jump to the defence of causes, people and businesses with a firm word before disappearing into the darkness
The C U Next Tuesday	Posts antagonistic, inflammatory nonsense in the veiled hope it’ll get them noticed. Follows the wisdom Nigel Farage to a disturbingly stalkerish degree
The Dare To be Different	Posts light-hearted, twee platitudes, idioms and quotes before reverse parking a business lesson into them
The Electrify Everything	They ride an ebike and aspire to own a Tesla (when the lease on their Nissan Leaf runs out in six years). Everything is fearful but electricity can save us all, apparently
The Fact Checker	Never posts, only comments – usually to dispel a supposed untruth in a post or comment by someone they’ve never met. AKA The modern-day pub bore.
The Grinch	Everything is awful and one day we’ll die. Never posts anything remotely positive but delights in making grim Mondays even grimmer for their masochistic followers.
The He Man	Is there literally nothing they can’t do? Success pours from their posts, their opinions are not suggestions, but FACTS and humility is something to be avoided at all costs.
The Insider	Self-proclaimed ‘Knowledge Leaders’ who spout lengthy thought pieces masquerading as fact (but often crafted in the bowels of Chat GPT)
The Joker	Scourge of the ‘Facebook’s that way’ crowd, these humourists are meme champions and wit mongers. Nothing serious ever crosses their feed, and sometimes they misread the room with catastrophic effect
The Knowledge	Like Taxi drivers, they’ve been around the block a few times and wearily correct untruths with the weary demeanour of someone for whom retirement can’t come soon enough
The Luddites	#MeToo was a troublesome blip for these stuck in the mud traditionalists for whom Woke Culture was the start of the end of days. Boring, unimaginative and thankfully rare, their posts still have the power to upset and inflame in equal measure.
The Muskovite	AKA the Branson Pickle, AKA the Zuckerbitch. Usually professional men who hero worship rich businessmen like they’re deities and post their quotes like they were written by God himself.
Name	Characteristics
The Owner	Even if they’re posting about a team member’s promotion, they’ll somehow crowbar in a mention of their last successful exit and possibly a picture of their Porsche.
The Priest	“Thou shalt not dispel AI wisdom in the name of the Lord” etc etc – the Vicar of the platform, holier than thou and pure of thought in their single minded purpose. Tends to be a bore.
The Quiet Fan	The nice people of LinkedIn – dropping supportive Likes and uplifting comments across everyone’s posts like generous faeries. The unsung heroes of LinkedIn
Risible Cads	You know who they are – men who should know/ act better leaking sleazy chat dressed up like business introductions to women young enough to be their daughter. It’s not a good look, and frankly shouldn’t happen in this day and age. But it does.
The Silent Assassins	Those who rinse through posts to find their prey amongst the comments, deploying connection requests like scatterbombs to fill some meaningless KPI target sheet their SaaS sales boss equates to success.
The Tech Bro	“I’m gonna 10-X this Mofo – follow my Emoji-filled How To… guide and pay a subscription fee every week and YOU could be a Ferrari driver like me, except I’ve got three of ‘em”. AKA Twats.
The Unfinished Sympathy	Those who lean into the sob story to collect engagement and reach. Doing it once when you lose a job is fine. Doing it every week when your pet parrot Jeffrey dies is too much. There are limits.
The Vox Popper	Quoting Mark Ritson or Richar Shotton is fine if you’re Mark Ritson or Richar Shotton. If you’re not, it looks needy and pathetic. Doubly so if you tag them to try and get a fan response. Grow up.
The ‘Well Done’ Hero	Like the Quiet Fan, the WDH just comes to LinkedIn to praise, help and support others. Normally because they’re nice people, and have already made it. If you could bottle their knowledge you’d make as much cash as the Tech Bro pretends to have.
The Xtra Boujee	Are you over 18 years old? Does your job title end in ‘Manager’ or better? Then leave the slang to the kidz, yeah?
The Young Entrepreneurs	There are some brilliant young entrepreneurs, and then there’s the majority who think a Wordpress site and a thousand TikTok views equals a Unicorn business. Their chat stinks, and boy, can they pump it out in unquantifiable volumes
The Zero Effort	Using LinkedIn’s AI tool to write your posts is like using a ten year old photo on Tinder. It’s lazy, it doesn’t work, and nobody will like you afterwards.

The A to Z of LinkedIn Users

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